BlackLiquidVinyl

February.

The beginning of a new year has just past, and im already failing at my resolutions. If your going to know me, it’s important that you know that.

I used to be depressed all the time, even when i was younger. Painfully shy, always quiet, usually alone. I turned twords art early in life, finding comfort in the images i was able to put on paper, now as a teenager i have image issues. i don’t know how to be. A few years ago, i was most depressed. i cut myself, and i don’t think i really know why, i just know i wanted to, and i did. unfortunatly i attended private school, uniform: REQUIRED. i didn’t wear sleeves so i started placing them on my inner thighs (i saw that in a SAW movie.) that didn’t work either. because we wore skirts…. walking up and down flights of steps all day… the skin in metween my legs rubbing together, didn’t allow enough time for them to fully close up. i found a more logical place… my stomache.

My stomache= my real issue. my weight. so i used this as punishment. when i ate, i cut myself. yeah, those catholic school girls are mean but who’da thought i had such a weak spot? anyways, i don’t cut myself anymore, but i still don’t eat normal. and sometimes i still force myself to throw up. why did i stop cutting? because i recieved a piece of information that might haunt me the rest of my life. something that forced me to grow out of it. “Models don’t have scars.”

one summer spent with my cousin. the start of new traditions. i bought my first two piece, only the top covered most of my tummy. black, because black is slimming, correct? when i hung up my towl, approaching the water… i realized i had forgotten about the scars and cuts. Jackie, my cousin, was curvier and fuller than me and she never said anything about my size or shape. ultimately, she made being myself easy, and natural. i didn’t feel self conscious around her. we sat around the pool a good portion of the summer, even though i didn’t really like swimming all that much. but one day, she looked at me and told me, “models don’t have scars.” i was confused, i was embarassed, but i was awake. something about those words haven’t left me. perfection wasn’t impossible like some people say. it just had to be reasonably defined. i had a new hope. it lead me to many controversial stages, but because of it i’ve survived self mutilation and attempted suicide.

Reach Your Potential; Find Your Deffinition.i couln’t be perfect, if i didn’y know what it meant. so that was step one. THINSPO, VOGUE, and a pit stop….

i knew there were girls out there just like me. i hadn’t stepped into anything new. i read stories, i saw pictures. but internet took me to a whole world created for people who understood, and lived the same thing. i was greatful and content. all i had to do was type in seven letters into google search and i had songs, pictures, blogs and slideshows at my fingertips. exactly what i needed.. motivation. i was already determined, but this was like a promise.  however, size wasn’t everything. alomost…. but not everything. i found something else that opened me. “vogue is the bible.” sure enough i went out a bought the newest vogue magazine. i spent weeks filling a notebook with thinspiration treasures. cut outs, tips & tricks, foods eaten, excersizes, weight, and thoughts. i kept up with it for weeks at a time religously and then one day i fell apart. maybe it was the stress… lack of sleep… but i snapped. i tried a different approach, instead of the blade i saw O.D.ing was pretty popular. i kept a plastic baggy full of pills in the back of my thinspo journal clipped in with a paper clip. one by one i swallowed my first handful. i felt sick. i paniced, regreting my decission, i was too scared topass out and too naseus to move. i had been playing up a flew, and when i stumbled down the steps i cried to my mom that ihadto be taken to the hospital. she took me to the E.R. still believing it was swine flu. i hadn’t confessed to the pills yet, and luckily i didn’t have to. i worked through it just in time to see the nurse. i was groggy but as soon as it started to lighten i knew i’d be fine. i left the hospital with the same instructions as most of the other patients. after that day i haven’t tried anything so dramatic but i also learned how strong my body really was. mentally, emotionally, and phisically i knew myself a little better.